Jesus wants me for an asshole: the song of LDS missionaries, bishops, and prophets

Parody of the song: Jesus wants me for a sunbeam
reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27ll_Be_a_Sunbeam

New version: Jesus wants me for an asshole.

A special version of the song which more accurately describes life in the Mormon Church, and especially regarding the leaders of Mormonism past & present. Mention is also made of Mormon leaders Spencer Kimball, Boyd Packer, and others. Plus also of my special time spent in Alaska on a Mormon mission.

And also commentary about Ukraine.

More info:

On past Mormon prophet Spencer Kimball and current Mormon apostle Boyd Packer:
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2013/02/ldsorg-discover-perversity-or-mormonism.html

Ron Pugmire, the first Mormon Bishop who introduced me both to masturbation interrogation interviews, and to Spencer Kimball's evil book Miracle of Forgiveness.
http://www.icse.utah.edu/person72

I remember asking Ron if women ever masturbate, as a naive ~12 year old. I think he said they did, but less than men. Sex education, straight from the Mormon Church. Thanks Joseph Smith!

People accurately describing the evil of Spencer Kimball's book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Miracle-Forgiveness-Spencer-Kimball/product-reviews/0884944441/ref=cm_cr_pr_hist_1?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addOneStar&showViewpoints=0

Wives of Joseph Smith. One 14 year old, plus women still legally married to other men:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Joseph_Smith%27s_wives

Wives of Brigham Young. One 15 year old, plus women still legally married to other men:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Brigham_Young%27s_wives

Related song about the homeworld of the Mormon God, where there's no oral sex, masturbation, nor anyone named Rex or Nate.
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2012/12/launch-mission-to-kolob-and-blow-place.html

Related song about how we were all just sperm in God's balls:
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2012/12/we-were-all-just-sperm-in-gods-balls.html

Ukraine couple moving from Crimea to Kiev:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Gpbv8G9jtI

IMG 7982 - 3-11-2014 8:35am

Life on Kolob: Endless sex & a lot of pigu kissing; Johnny Lingo; 8 cow wife; Lamanite DNA

Johnny Lingo; 8 cow wife. Mormon films and productions fall into a scale with at least two dimensions: campy versus professional, and anally retentive versus friendly.

The film: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfahoLfrddU

Chat with a Mormon:
http://mormon.org/chat
...chat with a brain washed person - today.

My responses:
Launch a mission to Kolob - more versions & info:
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2012/12/launch-mission-to-kolob-and-blow-place.html

Where is the Lamanite DNA?
http://corvus.freeshell.org/psittacus/three/tract/dna_additional.htm
Simon: http://simonsoutherton.blogspot.com/

IMG 7666 2-28-2014 7:24am

Karezza is dangerous & abusive - reuniting.info: teaches us to be afraid of orgasms, very afraid

Shocker: Science reveals orgasms feels good.

Shocker: Science also shows certain drugs feel good.

Drug abuse - bad and therefore orgasm - bad.

Karezza!

art credit: http://www.15yearstolife.com/art1.htm

Welcome to the world of blue balls, prostate cancer, and inflamed epididymides & seminal vesicles.

And welcome once again to the world of sexual shaming, first brought to you by religious fucks, and now later by New Age nut jobs.

In Karezza they really really like orgasm avoidance, and fear about the natural hormonal & neurochemical cycles that come with sex.

One good example of all this bull is at the site reuniting.info.

Worrying about orgasming too soon is one thing. Yes, you should try to go longer. But not too long! Going days on end with painful blue balls, or having your partner "milk" your prostate so that you can avoid orgasm - that is wacky, strange, unnatural, and not healthy.

A relevant quote from these idiots:

...karezza is a gentle, affectionate form of intercourse in which orgasm is not the goal, and ideally does not occur in either partner while making love...

Karezza is not gentle. Worrying about whether you can avoid orgasming AT ALL is not gentle nor loving.

Karezza is not kind. Fearing orgasm, and having orgasm avoidance as the IDEAL situation, is not loving nor kind.

Kerezza is dangerous claptrap bullshit.

Further quote from:
http://www.nightlightastrology.com/1/post/2008/05/finding-peace-between-the-sheets.html

"...Marnia admits that she and her husband are not religious, both enjoy orgasms, and feel no sexual guilt. They simply feel very convicted about this one idea: orgasm addiction is an undercover problem, creating chaos between our sheets!..."

...misleading doubletalk. And being fearful of sex the same way one fears cocaine really is abusive. Sex is about life. Sex is about love. Sex is love. And so is orgasm. "Chaos between the sheets" - yes, that is part of sex. Don't be afraid of the wonderful chaos. Don't be afraid of the cycles of life. The ups and downs of life that come through sex - yes, you should learn to deal with them & embrace them, not be afraid of them.

Teaching people to avoid orgasm, as the ideal situation, really is abusive. That's the bottom line.

Here's a good quote I found at another site:

"...if someone said lets have sex but you won’t have an orgasm, I think most of us would rather go to bed...So on that note, I call Bullshit on Karezza, because sex without an orgasm is like hunger with no food"

As at http://lifeislikeaboxofcondoms.blogspot.com/2012/08/karezza-bullshit-or-shit.html

Fear the natural normal consequence of sex: orgasm! 

Teach your children to fear masturbation and what an orgasm might do to their brains Orgasms & brains - oh my, they should never mix!

...sounds all damn similar to the bullshit I learned in Mormonism about masturbation.

Here's a pertinent response to all that:

I have a penis,or: the evils of the Mormon stance on masturbation

as at http://corvus.freeshell.org/corvus_corax/two/life_path/I_have_a_penis.htm

More relevant links:

The Mormon fear of masturbation & orgasm - a fear apparently shared by advocates of karezza:
http://nowscape.com/mormon/mormast.htm

Sin & Death in Mormon Country - deadly consequences to teaching children to fear masturbation & sex:
http://www.affirmation.org/suicide_info/sin_and_death_in_mormon_country.shtml

lds.org : discover the perversity or Mormonism:
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2013/02/ldsorg-discover-perversity-or-mormonism.html

reuniting.info and lds.org - the same shit just in different clothes, one from fucking hippies, and the other from fucking squares. Don't be sucked in by shame based quakery, from any side or source.

To recap:

Orgasm is good. Orgasms are good. Orgasms help your marriage! Orgasms help you be happy! Orgasms are healthy! Orgasms SHOULD be part of sex, most every time! Oh, and masturbation with orgasms is good also!
  
Yes, delaying orgasm can be fun and very useful - up to a point. Eventually you, your body, and your partner need an orgasm, and you should not be afraid of that either!

Orgazmo film, Mormonism, and Sex

We watched Orgazmo during the past few days & enjoyed it very much.

Here's the film on youtube:

and more info about the film:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgazmo

Trey Parker has apparently had a fascination with Mormon culture, although as an outsider he doesn't quite understand everything. For example his portrayal of a Mormon family in the South Park episode All About Mormons he portrays a Mormon family as being more happy than other families, and that a kid in that family didn't really care about the wacky stuff in this religion. But his portrayal of what life is really like in Mormon families is not quite accurate. There's also a lot of pain, stress, and guilt. Also in Utah there's a great deal of anti-depressant use. Here's the video of the episode:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s07e12-all-about-mormons
and more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_About_Mormons

When I first saw Orgazmo several years ago I knew the best thing that could happen would be for all Mormons, especially all old the fart Mormon leaders, to immediately receive the influence of the following device, an orgazmorator.

When they're up there in General Conference giving stuffy nosed I-am-so-important-when-I-speak-in-a-low-voice pompous pious speeches, the best thing that could ever happen would be for such a device to be activated, so that they & all the crowd assembled would be similarly affected.

Related info:
http://www.salamandersociety.com/media/movies/ryans/
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,23229

When Spencer Kimball hyperventilated and dreamed of necking, petting, heavy petting, masturbation, and oral sex, all while he wrote the following documents, I'm sure he would have benefited from such a device.
http://lds-mormon.com/worthy_letter.shtml
http://lds-mormon.com/worthy_letter1.shtml - make special note of this page
http://www.lds.org/braille/The%20Miracle%20of%20Forgiveness.txt

Related video:

Mormonism & oral sex - Hi, I'm a Mormon, or I was one for 26 years.

 
Related posts from last year:
http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2012_12_01_archive.html

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Video review added on January 4, 2013:

Review of the film Orgazmo, the Mormon temple film, and candiates for other films to show inside of Mormon temples

http://jonathanshome.blogspot.com/2013/01/review-of-film-orgazmo-mormon-temple.html